Ask the Urban Dater: Dating Older Women Edition
I feel I give off the sex appeal of a dictionary. When I’m out with my girlfriends I am never the girl who is hit on, flirted with, or picked up. Ever since hitting puberty and becoming aware of attractive vs unattractive I have thought of myself as filling the role of “the fat friend,” who just sits back and smiles while her thinner, prettier friends make eyes with guys across the room. Obviously, I’ve had boyfriends, but they have always been my friends first so when they said, “You are gorgeous,” what I heard was, “I found you gorgeous only after getting to know you. I didn’t immediately think you were pretty.” I know that having someone attracted to your personality is more substantial than them just thinking you’re cute (my old counselor always reiterated that looks eventually “sag and fade” as if I didn’t already know that), but I wouldn’t hate having just one guy, who doesn’t know me at all, tell me I’m attractive.uberhorny comment Friends, family, and boyfriends I don’t believe, but a total stranger? That person I might actually listen to. This brings us back to Tinder (I’m focusing on Tinder because my current home is too small to use more than one dating app). On one of my first nights using the app, a friend and I sat on my back deck, drank wine, and decided who to swipe left and right on. With each “It’s a Match!” we laughed and looked into the guys’ profiles a bit more.
After the third or fourth match, I said, “These guys are just judging me on my appearance, right?” My friend nodded. “So they are only swiping because they think I’m cute? Or are they just swiping on every single girl?” We concluded that obviously some of the guys were swiping right on every girl, but the chances of every single guy doing that were slim. We swiped some more. When I started matching with guys who were classically good looking (you know the type: triangle shape, buff, square jaw, etc.)…well, I won’t lie, that felt really fucking good. a hot guy actually thinks I’m remotely attractive? What? No. How can that be? Then the messages started. Some guys went right in with “you’re really pretty!” or “beautiful smile :)” or “what gorgeous blue eyes.” Others went in for a conversation first before doling out compliments here and there. I know that this is how people operate on Tinder but keep in mind that I am not used to this at all. I can count on one hand the number of random men-who-I-wasn’t-dating who have complimented my appearance ( and I’m not counting the man who used to stand on the corner near my train stop and catcall every woman). It wasn’t until I started meeting with these guys that I wondered: Can Tinder boost my self-esteem? Two guys asked how someone as pretty as me was still single. I went on a date with one guy who told me, in Spanish, that I was beautiful and kissed me.
Another guy, who I’d met up with a few times, blatantly asked, “ What about sex?” I laughed like a loon in response. It wasn’t the question that surprised me, but the fact that it was coming from an incredibly attractive, incredibly fit guy (because yes, I’m being shallow and only swiping right on guys who I find physically attractive––so sue me). When I was done laughing I said something awkward like, “Oh? Maybe? I mean, I’m not against it?” My mind, however, was saying: Are you serious? Do you want to sleep with me? Have you seen yourself? Have you seen me? Aren’t there hotter girls you’d rather sleep with? I then had horrific visions of this guy, with all of his muscles and hott-ness, seeing me naked and realizing that I was in fact not attractive, but simply knew how to dress well. I promptly retreated into my unhealthy shell where I only sleep with random guys when I am inebriated. Soon after Buff Guy, I hung out with a sweet, nerdy medical student, who was in town on vacation.
We got along well, I drank too much trying to feign confidence, and, as is typical with Tinder, we hooked up. The next day, as we hooked up again, he seemed shocked that anything was happening at all. He kept repeating, “You’re just so sexy. I never get to do things like this! You’re just…you’re really, really hot.” I don’t know how to respond to compliments so I reflexively reached for my shirt. Med Boy shook his head. “Don’t do that,” he said. “Don’t body shame yourself. You are so attractive. Have you seen yourself? You are gorgeous.” Something about Med Boy’s insistence made my typical self-depreciating thoughts start to lose hold. Again, I know that this is the type of stuff people say on Tinder, but, let’s be honest, Med Boy had nothing to gain by being so insistent. We’d already had sex. Why put in the extra effort? Unless…because it’s true? Somewhere between the casual Tinder chats, the handful of dates, Buff Guy, and Med Guy, my mind circled a new thought: am I attractive?
5 Barriers that are Ruining your Sex Life and how to Get over Them
I stared at myself in my full-length mirror. I tried to see what these guys saw; guys who did not know me at all, guys who are not being swayed by my personality, and guys who have no real reason to compliment me because I’m not looking for another relationship anytime soon. Suddenly I’m starting to see it. Where I used to see unsightly lumps, hips that needed nipping and tucking, and a stomach I sucked in before turning off the lights, now I see a healthy, curvy, and––dare I say it?––slender body. I have muscular legs, hips and a torso that do the typical hourglass curve, and a stomach that actually does not protrude like a watermelon, despite my perception of it for the past two decades. Friends, family, and boyfriends have always told me I am attractive, but it wasn’t until these strangers started repeating it over and over that I actually started to hear it.topadultreview.com So which is boosting my self-esteem: Tinder or just plain dating? Or are they working in tandem with one another because without Tinder I probably wouldn’t be dating at all? Romantically, I tend to not “put myself out there.” I typically wouldn’t dare approach a guy and try flirting with him for fear of rejection and humiliation. With Tinder, however, just matching with someone seems to lessen the fear of rejection. Whether you matched with them because they are genuinely interested in you or you matched because they’re saying ‘yes’ to everyone––seeing the “It’s a Match!” message eases a tiny bit of the tension that goes into dating. Whether it’s thanks to Tinder or not, in the past few months I have discovered newfound confidence. When someone compliments me I say thank you instead of responding with a self-deprecating joke. When I meet a date for the first time, I work at being my usual chatty, sarcastic self, rather than being shy and quiet. I’ve flirted with guys, chatted them up, and even gave a random musician my number. For once in my life I feel like I am someone worth dating rather than fearing my significant other may be too good for me (as I have learned with my ex, that was certainly not true).
Did Tinder give me this confidence boost or am I just getting older and wiser? I don’t know for sure, but what I do know is that I’m not going to stop online dating anytime soon. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating Apps, For Women Tagged in: Online Dating, self-esteem, tinder Let me start by saying that when I date online, I use OkCupid. It works for me and on the rarest and most pitiful of occasions I get pity laid out of it. (fist bumps fellow bro)… But that’s old news. Let’s talk what’s hot! Actually meeting people IRL, that’s “In Real Life,” mom. Match.com decided to do something rad for once. How’s that, you ask? They finally took things “offline” and got people face-to-face, introducing Stir Events! It’s been just about a year now and match has thrown nearly 3,000 events. Now, if you’re a math junkie, then you know that’s 14+ events a day, 75+ events over the course of a week and a whole butt-load more every damn month! And Match has the reach to partner with venues like House of Blues, Sur la Table and Warrior Dash, to name a few, to help make these events even more awesome.
These events have happened in nearly 100 cities across the U.S. including Anchorage, if you’re single, frigid and lonely. Needless to say, these events have brought in huge effing crowds. The What So that’s great, but what’s the news, you’re wondering? In celebration of the Stir anniversary, Match.com is offering the opportunity for singles to create their own Stir event, and if their event is chosen, to work with Match Stir event planners to bring it to life! The How Visit Match.com’s Stir Promotional link here , now through Tuesday May 28th, 2013 and tell Match.com what you think would make for the perfect singles event to be entered to win. Entries will be judged based on quality, creativity, uniqueness and geographical relevance. Want more??? Check out the video! The selected winner will have their idea re-created by the Match.com Stir Events team in their city, and will receive an invitation to attend the event along with ten of their singles friends – all at no charge! In addition, the winner will also receive a free six-month Match.com subscription. – The preceding was a sponsored post. You can read up on our disclosure statement here. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook3Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Advert, News, Special Tagged in: Events by Match.com, match.com, Match.com Stir.
Stir Events, Online Dating, Singles Events Rejection stings. And depending on the burn level, it can be a quick pang or a lingering pain that doesn’t seem to go away.
Moving On From “Forever”
It may not be what you want, but sometimes, it’s just what you need. Welcome it. Yep. With open arms. Here are 6 reasons why you need to embrace rejection. To Advance Your League Call it natural selection, survival to the fittest, whether it be a job or school application, or your dating life, competition is imminent. Rejection sets barriers from those who can elevate and those who do not. This could mean that someone exceeds you physically, intellectually, socially, financially, or even, spiritually. If you are getting rejected, that means you’re pushing barriers. You’re flirting with different levels. Take from that person of caliber- exposure And insight, then move on, and prepare for your next shot. To Wake Up Sometimes it takes that heaping serve of painful rejection mixed with heartbreak, soaked in self-deprecation, and sprinkled with insecurity…To awaken. And change yourself. For good.
To Seek Internal Validation It’s very easy to nitpick the gory details of a break-up, a fight, or remnants of that last conversation on Wednesday 3.AM. last February. It’s tempting to play the “What-if” game. Rejection nips you in the a**. Hard. And you can either sit on those thoughts. or you can remember you still have sweet fine a** and a bad one. To Grow Maybe you’re a player. You go on dates like how people go on a shopping spree- addictive and novelty-seeking (Guilty). Or maybe, you don’t. You get rejected very often. Either way, rejection is a stringent motivation to Develop your outlook and approach to dating. You need to humble it down if you want to win the heart of someone genuine. Alternatively, charm it up goody-two-shoes. To Escape The statement that rejection is a blessing shouldn’t be underestimated. “You’re the best thing I never had.” “I’m the best thing you never had.” Can’t sum it up more unequivocally than Beyonce. To Accept Humans want to be loved. But they also.
Want to love themselves. Fight for the love of yourself as much as of others. Then it becomes a win-win-win. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Online Dating, Relationships, Self Tagged in: dating rejection, relationship compatibility, self-care, self-confidence, self-respect Valentine’s Day is meant to celebrate love but for those that are single it can bring about many different emotions. It can be hard to treat February 14th the same as any other day, especially because everywhere you look something is promoting the holiday. This day might make you feel unworthy, unlovable or lonely but it is important to remember that your relationship status does not define you. There are actually many benefits to being single on Valentine’s Day and there are ways to limit these undesirable emotions so you can enjoy being single. Zero Pressure Society has glorified this holiday to a point that puts a absurd amount of pressure on relationships. Between movies, advertisements, and social media, couples feel like they have to make the day special, memorable, and romantic. By being single you will avoid all of the unnecessary stress that comes with Valentine’s Day, and you will be able to spend the day however you want. Zero disappointment Not only is there pressure on couples to make extravagant plans but there is also the pressure of having to live up to their partner’s expectations.
Naturally, when people anticipate something they form some sort of expectation in their head. While some are much better at setting realistic expectations, others are not and inevitably end up disappointed. If anything, you should at least find comfort in knowing you will not be let down, or be the one letting someone down this holiday. How to keep yourself busy on Valentine’s Day Although millions of people are single, not all single people will have the same feelings towards Valentine’s Day. Some may not be impacted at all while others can become extremely triggered and this wide range of emotions means everyone will cope with this holiday differently. While there is not one definitive solution to handling Valentine’s Day, there are many ways to distract yourself to limit unwanted feelings. Spend time with people that make you feel loved Back in elementary school, we would give Valentine’s Day cards to all of our classmates, that’s because Valentine’s Day is not exclusively for romantic lovers. Call your single friends and see if they want to go to dinner, drink some wine, watch a movie or just hangout. Chances are they have feelings about this holiday too because it is normal!
Spending time with people that you love and that make you feel loved can help remind you that there is more to life than a relationship. If you can’t be with someone you love this Valentine’s Day, try talking to someone about how you are feeling. If someone knows you are struggling to deal with this holiday they can check in on you and send you words of love. Being supported by friends and family that want the best for you is a great way to help you manage the pain and emotions this holiday can bring. It is the perfect time to meet someone new Valentine’s Day can be a great day to recognize your feelings and decide to take action. If this day frustrates you simply because you wish you were in a relationship, take some time to reflect on what is stopping you. If it seems as though you are always ending up in the wrong relationship, know it is something personal, or emotions from a past relationship, meeting with a therapist can be incredibly helpful. Therapy is a great tool for growth and development and will help you learn about yourself and your relationship with relationships. Maybe the reason you are single is because you are not putting yourself in a position to meet someone. Chances are if you visit your favorite dive bar, coffee shop, or workout class on February 14th, there will be more singles there than just yourself. It can take some courage, but going somewhere you enjoy spending time and just talking to people will help you get back into dating. One way to take the pressure off of this situation is to remember to talk to someone like they’re just another friend and not a potential relationship. Give love to others While it may seem selfish, doing something special for someone else will make you feel good.
Whether you send your grandma a thoughtful card or volunteer your time helping the less fortunate, you will be happier knowing you spent your time making someone’s day a little brighter. Love is a two-way street and we often forget that we have to give love to get love. Learn to be happy with yourself Embrace your independence! It can be hard to not compare yourself to others but so many relationships that seem perfect are far from it. Be open to celebrating self-love this Valentine’s Day and focus on realizing that you are complete on your own. When you are happy and confident in yourself, you will attract the right people into your life. About the author Aimee Kauffman, LPC is a therapist in East Lansing, Michigan specializing in individual therapy. She has a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University and has been in practice for more than a decade. https://www.aimeekauffman.com Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook22Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: For Men, For Women, Opinion, Self Tagged in: Dating, single on valentines day, valentines day It is better to have loved than to not ever loved at all… BUT It is better to have escaped a doomed relationship than to have tried one after all. This is an open letter addressed to those who have been rejected by someone who was “not ready for a relationship.” Listen.
It Is them, but it Is also You. They are often not ready, but mostly, they are not ready for someone like you. And, usually, it has nothing to do with love. Two people in love inevitably at times, just can’t be together. You Caught Me at A bad time… because i just got out of a relationship. I’m still dealing with my hurt past. My intimacy issues. Life sucks now. I’m struggling with bills. I want to go to school. I want to settle in my career first. My health needs to be checked. I don’t want any responsibility.
Work’s hell. I like my freedom. I want to travel. My family drives me crazy. I still have a lot to figure out. I still don’t know who I am and what I want in life. You’re Incompatible… We can’t communicate. Effectively. Someone’s too controlling. Too needy. Distant. Too closed off.
We have too many cultural/religious/political/background differences. What do we have in common? We don’t share the same big life goals on career, passions, values, finances, children, love, etc. You Want Something Else… I want a stable, companionate love. You want a passionate, ever-consuming love. Or vice versa. You’re too practical. You’re too dramatic. I want to skip the friendship. You want to build it.
You want everyday rapport. I want plenty of space. I want to be touched in a certain way. You want to be spoken to in a certain way. I don’t want what you need. You don’t want what I want. You Don’t Need/Want Me The Way I Do… Co-dependent. Casual. Marriage. Open Relationship.
You Don’t Match… In Life Goals and Life Quality. Passion. For oneself, others, and life. You’re Way Ahead of Me… You’re moving too fast. You Are Ahead Me… I’m moving too slow. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook2Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships, Online Dating, Tips & Advice Tagged in: commitment, relationship, relationship compatibility Do you know Okcupid like the back of your hand?
If so, then I invite you to an incredible opportunity to work with one of the top dating coaches around! Dating expert coach Charlie Nox (the author of the eBook The Babe Hack: An Expert’s Guide To Writing The World’s Best Online Dating Profile ) is seeking 6 OkCupid users to form a unique beta testing group for a new course she’s developing.